5/10/2012

I’m having tea which makes me think of you. Tho, I think my tea is probably a little yummier than yours. Cinnamon vanilla tea with a side of almond cinnamon cookie thins. It’s not really teasing, if I don’t tell you about it in the moment :p Maybe I’ll get to share a yummy cup of tea with you soon. I don’t think we’ve ever done that before!

5/7/2012

DARKNESS: You said: needs/wants…just dont go dark on me.

I asked what that meant… you didn’t answer. Let me be clear. I am a lot of things to you… but dark is never one of them. I have been your friend. Your lover. Your confidant. Your confessional. You keeper of secrets. Your conscience. But your darkness. Never that. And it’s really bothering me… the whole concept of darkness. I’ve stood by your side, in whatever capacity you’ve needed. That you’d think I’d ever go “dark” on you isn’t fair.

4/27/2012

Airplane mode

I’m sitting on the plane, thinking about you. It’s a pretty common thing. Even when you weren’t talking to me, I’d almost always think about you when I flew. Kind of annoying considering how much flying I’ve done the last few years. ;)

I’m sitting here, trying to figure out where I fit with you. It’s so pointless as I can’t talk to you about it. But it’s sitting in my head and won’t go away. When you were at a pretty low place, you told me you’d always need me. And damn, I held on tight to that one. But now I question what that actually means. Because no matter what, if you need me, I’m there. But we both know the reverse is not true. And for the life of me, I can’t figure out why I don’t just walk away and say, “fuck you”.

And now that I know why you didn’t talk to me, I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me and why the hell do I stick around. I spent over a year wondering what I did that made you so mad. It was a hurt that felt unbearable at times. But that hurt was nothing compared to the hurt of knowing that you just didn’t care and it was just what the crazy lady wanted. After all we’d been thru. And promises to not let our romantic relationships get in the way of our friendship. That was a hurt I was unprepared for and not able to fully deal with. And then I get the, “I will always need you”. How do I process all that? My feelings for you are complicated enough without all of that. For more years than I want to count, I’ve believed in our connection. A connection that doesn’t really have a definition (coming to terms with that right now as well).

But was that connection one sided?
Sometimes I think “absolutely”.
Sometimes I think “no way”.
But mostly I just throw my hands in the air and think “I don’t fucking know”.
I hate not knowing. But if it is one sided, maybe not knowing is better.

4/27/2012

Why is it that I always see good looking bald men with red goatees at the airport?

4/15/12

Hey Hollywood. Loved our chat yesterday. I’m so glad I found those pictures. Put a smile on my face! And made me just smile while talking to you. I can’t believe how young we looked. How young we were! And I can’t believe I had such a hot boyfriend! Damn… I knew you were cute and all, but you were REALLY cute. After all these years I guess I’d forgotten, at least for me, that the initial attraction was a physical thing. And then you somehow wormed your way into my heart and I’ve never been able to get you out *said with a smile*. And our friendship has survived, all these years, all the ups and downs, all the craziness. Amazing. I know, I’m not human :)

(4/13/12)

It was chilly this morning and I so didn’t want to use the restroom… but then I thought, at least it’s not a stainless steel toilet! ;)

(4/11/2012)

I got off the phone with you yesterday and I was just so angry. I thought that after a month some of the anger would start to go away. But it just gets worse. I hate not being able to talk freely to you. You promised you’d never let another woman get in the way of our friendship. And then you threw me away for a skanky meth whore. And I am here for you, yet she is letting you sit and rot. How am I suppose to get over that?

4/4/2012 Watching American Idol. 80s night. Two kids sang Islands in the Stream. These days I find it hard to smile. But this performance made me think of you and smile. Smile BIG. One of my favorite memories is of you dancing and singing to this song in your underwear. Jumping all over your dad’s couch. I’ve decided. If I ever see you again, you’ve got to dance around in your undies to this song for me :)

(4/2/2012)

This background was made with images that remind me of you. Some of them are totally obvious. Some of them maybe not as much. :)

(4/2/2012)

I’ve been struggling with the inability to say things to you. It’s been almost a month since I’ve been able to just say what I want… And even longer since you’ve been able to comprehend anything I say. There are so many emotions all swirling together. Hurt, anger, confusion, love, friendship, caring. And since I can’t share all of it with you now, I’ll put it here for you to go through when you are able.